I’m not ill

I’m not ill

I’m not ill I promise

That’s why I refuse to take those pills on my desk

Having to hide them away from her hurts me

But I have to.

I don’t want her looking at me, worrying about how I feel

It’d be embracing to explain that I can’t keep things in check

Keeping my emotions from building bases of homes at the depths of my mind

I don’t want to have to look at her and hide my face in shame

Having her think her husband is not the man she said yes to

I’m not ill I …

.. I just don’t feel the need to remind myself to stuff my brain with sad reminders that I’m overjoyed with,

being just fine

Just fine in pretending that this smile isn’t leaving first degree burns of de…

I’m not ill

But I’m not sure why I feel like this

Why my thoughts aren’t right

Why I try to understand these feelings

Absolutely frustrated that I can’t …

Fuck it

Really I don’t want to say this but,

I’m not,

Happy

And I can’t wake up every morning and kiss her forehead

Wrap my hands around her body and tell her she’s the best thing I’ll ever have

I don’t want her thinking I’m less of me, like

Parts of me have faded and she won’t be able to find him

I’m,

Depressed and I can’t find the words to explain this bipolar state my mind has me fucked with

Totally losing grip of my sanity

Restless nights of pointless worrying

But it’d all be better if I was gone, right?

Far away in the mist of my mistakes

My mind won’t be able to play childhood games with me anymore

So take this as a goodbye and I’ll see you when I’m better kind of letter

Love Dad

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